Of sheep and men

A man walks into his home with a lovely sheep under his arm. It is a beautiful ewe with lovely soft and full wool. He announces " This is the pig I have sex with when you're not around"
His wife quickly retorts "That's not a pig you jackass."
The man replies " Shut the fuck up I wasn't talking to you "

Why don't overalls have zippers?

So sheep can't hear a farmer sneaking up on them....

Farmer Joe goes out to the barn one morning to milk Bessie the cow. He pulls up his stool, puts the bucket under the cow, and starts milking away.

Bessie soon takes her right hind hoof, and kicks over the bucket. Joe, being a bit annoyed goes and gets a piece of rope, and ties the cow's leg to the stall.

Joe then goes back to milking and Bessie takes her left hind hoof, and kicks over the bucket again. Joe is really annoyed now, gets another piece of rope, and ties the cow's other hind leg to the stall, pulling the rope taut so she can't kick the bucket again.

Joe goes back to milking, and this time Bessie takes her tail, whips it around, and knocks over the bucket once again.

Joe really wants to get his milking done so that he can get on with his other chores, but when he looks around, he sees that he's out of rope. So he goes behind the cow, takes off his belt, ties Bessie's tail to it, and slings it over a rafter that is overhead.

When Joe takes off his belt, his pants are loosened, and they fall down around his ankles.

So here is poor Joe and poor Bessie... Bessie has both legs tied to the stalls, her tail is pulled up to the rafters with Joe's belt, Joe's pants are around his ankles, and Joe's wife now walks into the barn.

The moral of the story...

Some things are just hard to explain.



- Ace

Poor cows. I'm a cow To err is human to moo is bovine. Or so I learned at Bovinity school when I was studying to be a pasture.

I love that video, it used to be linked to Joe Cartoon's site but suddenly wasn't there any longer, so Thanks Essence!

Of Sheep and Men....

Artificial Insemination

A NY City boy moves to the country and buys several sheep, hoping to breed them for wool. After many weeks, he notices that none of the sheep are getting pregnant, and calls a vet for help.

The vet tells him that he should try artificial insemination.

The guy doesn't have the slightest idea what this means but, not wanting to display his ignorance, so he only asks the vet how he will know when the sheep are pregnant. The vet tells him that they will stop standing around and will, instead, lay down and wallow in the grass when they are pregnant.

The guy hangs up and gives it some thought. He comes to the conclusion that artificial insemination must mean he has to impregnate the sheep. So, he loads all the sheep into his truck, drives them out into the woods, has sex with them all, brings them back and goes to bed.

Next morning, he wakes and looks out at the sheep. Seeing that they are all still standing around, he concludes that the first try didn't take, and loads them in the truck again. He drives them out to the woods, bangs each sheep twice for good measure, brings them back and goes to bed.

The next morning, he wakes to find the sheep still just standing around. One more try, he tells himself, and proceeds to load them up and drive them out to the woods. He spends all day shagging the sheep and, upon returning home, falls listlessly into bed.

The next morning, he cannot even raise himself from the bed to look at the sheep. He asks his wife to look outside and tell him if any of the sheep are laying in the grass.

"No," she says, "they're all in the truck and one of them's honking the horn."



.

So a city feller, tired of the rat race decides to move out to the country for a leisurely life in the pasrtoral countryside growing corn. After about four or five months of this he begins to feel the itch for female companionship. One night at the local bar, noticing the distinct lak of said female company, he inquires to one of the other local male residents abotu his dillema.
The man informs him that the local shepherd has a large flock and is quite old and hardly evennotices when one of his flock goes missing for an hour or so. The man is horrified at what he hears and promptly stomps out of the bar.
Time passes....

After a year or more he finally buckles to these unnatural lusts and returns to the bar to inquire further. The men inform him that all that he need do is head out to the shepherds land... pick himself out "a purty one" and have at it... the other men in town understand and if two men encounter eahother in the field, nary a word is mentioned later.
The man, disgusted with himself and this practice goes home to contemplate. He finally decides that there really is no other way around it but says to himself: "If Im going to do it, Im going to do it in style and show these bumpkins how to treat a "lady".
Chuckling to himself, he heads out to the pasture... a box of very expensive womens clothes in one hand, a bottle of expensive wine under the other... he "picks himself a purty one" and gets it dressed up for a night on the town...

he heads into the local bar, sheep all dressed up under one arm, bottle of (half drunken wine) under the other and announces loudly that hes here with his date.
The man in the bar react stunned... mouths agape and obviously shocked. A few of the men shake their heads.
"Hippocrates!" he shouts. "You do the exact same constantly, I just did it with class!"
one of the men comes quickly to him and whispers:
"no no man, its not that... its just, you gotta be nuts, thats the sheriffs girl!!"

A missionary gets sent into deepest darkest Africa and goes to live
with a tribe therein. He spends years with the people, teaching them
to read, write and the good Christian ways of the white man. One thing
he particularly stresses is the evils of sexual sin. Thou must not
commit adultery or fornication!!
One day the wife of one of the Tribe's noblemen gives birth to a white
child. The village is shocked and the chief is sent by his people to talk
with the missionary.
"You have taught us of the evils of sexual sin, yet here a black woman
gives birth to a white child. You are the only white man that has ever
set foot in our village. It doesn't take a genius to work out what has
been going on!"
The missionary replies: "No, no, my good man. You are mistaken. What
you have here is a natural occurance - what is called an albino. Look
to thy yonder field. See a field of white sheep, and yet amongst them
is one black one. Nature does this on occasion."
The chief pauses for a moment then says "Tell you what, you don't say
anything about the sheep, I won't say anything about the white child"