Moms--some help?

Help, help? I'm having some home issues sort of out of the blue and I'm wondering if I could get some advice from moms or anyone else that might have a take on this.

So, I'm going into my college junior year, and because of where my college is I can only come home during the Summer, Thanksgiving Break, and Winter Break. Anyway. I have three siblings, all younger than me, that I don't spend much time with, and quite frankly, the family itself doesn't spend much time together. Of course, I spend a lot of time in my room. Nothing's changed from before.

Well, to the point, my mom overheard a rebuttle that I gave to my brother, who told me to clean up the dining room or something, and I said something like, "I'm not cleaning up that mess--" let me just say, it's NOT a mess I made, "I don't live here." Something shady but meant for my brother's ears; jokes like that just happen--communication's low in my house, but me and my brother roughhouse like that.

So, my mom in a passive aggressive way mentioned it only to my boyfriend (he lives here.. long story, but he's very welcome here and works with my parents in the daytime) and of course I felt bad. So I went out tonight and (as usual, she's been drinking) I told her I didn't really mean that I didn't live in the house, that I was just messing with my brother, that if the request to clean the dining room table came from either one of my parents it would be fine. It's the big brother thing to play the "you can't tell me what to do" with his younger brother.

Well, she just didn't take that well. She said I'm starting to act like I'm not part of the family, spending too much time in my room or whatever. Honestly, my parents come home, they play poker on the computer and drink, my bro plays video games (I watch him sometimes) and my sisters are usually out with friends. There's little expectation for family union or anything like that, and there never has been.

I've always either been a hermit or been out with my friends, nothing's changed. My mom asked if I was in high school and was asked by my brother to clean the table for dinner, would I do it? I said, sure. She asked what's different now. I said, I'm in college now--we each have different expectations. I recall several times throughout my childhood my parents giving me several more chores than my siblings had with the promise that when I got older they'd be passed on; furthermore, when my boyfriend or I offer to do anything in this house, my mom plays mind games and says not to do it, then uses it against me in fights like this. And I don't really get to talk to her because the few times she does create talk with me she has alcohol in her hand, and seriously, I dealt with their alcoholism as a kid and I don't want to talk to her while she's drinking, period.

I'm saying way more than I meant to but I think I'm getting my side out with all of this. And I just want to know from other moms' perspectives. Have you ever had kids go off to college and has this sort of feeling ever happened to you? Is this normal in any way or am I in for a long unsatisfying summer? It got pretty brutal, the whole fight and all, and I'm certain there'll be plenty of passive aggression from my mom for plenty of time (she told me that she didn't want to talk to me about this anymore--that's how the conversation ended; she just shut it off). Should I let things settle and just wait for her to approach me? Tip toe around her and all?

I know my family is -bleeped- up, I don't really need to hear that response, haha... but if my mom's in sync with some traditional mom emotions for a change, I'd rather ride that bandwagon than expect to be paying rent next time I'm at home.

This is such crap.

Dae,

I'm a mom. Although I have no experience in your situation (my oldest is almost 4) and I don't really know you or your mom, I will take a stab at it.

First, IMHO a mom is a manager. The manager of your home (your mom) isnt going to care who made the mess but more that the house is clean. That is why I think the "I didnt make the mess" argument failed.

Another point is you may indeed be in college (or at any station in life) but that doesnt change the fact that you will always be your moms baby. The difference now and then is you have been away. Now you are home and your mom probably wants to be seeing you more because she misses her baby when he is away.

You don't need to sit on the couch cuddling or anything, esp since you say your family isnt especially that way anyway. If you are reading a book or having some other quite activity try doing it in the same room as her while she is busy with something else. Your presence will be nice for her even if you arent directly interacting.

If you should or shouldnt go to her first kind of depends on how your relationship works. I'd be inclined to take the lead, but thats just me. Sometimes to smooth things over you need to step back and eat a little humble pie. It doesnt always matter who is right or wrong, pick your battles.

Mostly it sounds like she misses you and doesnt know how to express that.

Good luck and don't worry.. I think the "normal" family is the oddity these days.

-MJ

Yes. I don't know if I could say it much better than Misnomer did.

Two things strike me fast. Mom's work hard. Even those who have their faults still end up with a brunt of things like housework and "kidwork" and such. And they are going to have their ideas about what is right and what is wrong. Just like every human being does. Your mom probably sees what you do and do not do as a reflection on herself. And if she isn't happy with herself, or if she is very happy with herself, she is going to want to see some of what she believes come through you as well.

For minor things, I say when in Rome, ya know? hehe.. There are things your family tolerates that other families would not. And vice versa. When you are home, in their place, the minor things you should not let get to you. They may be major to them, but minor to you. Bleh, I think you get my point.

And yes, you will ALWAYS be your mother's baby. A part of her probably is not ready to see you grown and gone yet. She may be going through feelings of not feeling needed. She will always always feel like you are her child and she knows what is best. Even the most lenient of parents feel that way with their children. It is natural, and it is all about love.

Like Mis, I don't know your exact situation other than from what you have described. But if I had to base it on just your post, I would say you have a pretty great family. And I know it is a cliche, but you are young yet. Life has a funny way of turning us back to our family and realizing what our parents went through.

I had a pretty horrid childhood, one I would wish on no one, yet I do have a good relationship with my mother now (even though I rarely agree with her on a lot of things.. hehe). I base my answers on my own life, despite its hardships, and on the life of my husband who was raised in a family that could not be more nuclear if they tried. lol..

Whew, rambled. Long answer short no matter how late it is: "ride that bandwagon"

Thank you both very much. I mean it!

Dae,

I think it says a lot about you that you asked for help on this. You apparently want to do the "right" thing, so pat yourself on the back. (and your mama must've done *something* right!)



The fact is, Dae, that's exactly what is happening. It's as normal and natural for you to leave as it is for your mother to mourn and get angry at your leaving. It's hard for some mothers to let go.

It's probably nothing complicated.

Of course things are always more complex when there are drinkers in the family, but underneath all alcohol and drug use are just basic human emotions. Her baby's growiing up and leaving home.

Do NOT sacrifice yourself for your family. Your primary job right now is to finish becoming a good and honorable adult.

Do some dishes. Give her a hug (a real one!) and then go back to your room with a clean conscience.