Creative ways to get rid of telemarketers...

Okay, so this one is a classic:

*ring*
you: "Hello?"
drone: "Hi, I'd like to offer you a long distance package that--"
you: "I'm sorry, I don't have a phone."
*awkward pause*
drone: "Oh, sorry to bother you then. Have a nice day."
*click*

But here's one I just thought up:

*ring*
you: "Hello?"
drone: "Hello sir, I'd like to offer you a platinum credit card."
you: "Oh. I'm interested! However, I am required by the Credit Risk Compliance Act of Ontario to advise you that I'm a massive credit risk, and I've defaulted on a mortgage and have oustanding, unpaid student loans. Can I still get the card?"
(replace blue text with your own favourite localized fake law)

Is anyone willing to give this one a shot? I'm worried that if I said that, they'd believe it, and somehow it would end up on my actual credit rating/history (as stupid as that sounds, stupider things have happened).

ANYWAY... please post your favourite crazy-ass responses to telemarketers! (theoretical ones are okay, too)

There was one time when I was called repeatedly by an annoying telemarketer who was quite tenacious. Myself being quite persistent, I eventually prepared for the next call. When it came, I said "HELLOOO" in the oddest alien voice I could think of, and pushed PLAY on my MP3 player so that the Close Encounters of the Third Kind theme piped out. I then proceeded to DJ mix, for the next 10 or so minutes, through a variety of repetitive, monotonous (I believe it's the point), minimal techno, all while looping bizarre clips on top like the Meow Mix jingle played at ultraspeed.

I didn't hear a peep after that.

That is awesome, Torley! Well-played!

thanx Gene

Grandma used to keep a compressed air horn, like mariners use, right next to the phone. During the warmer months, when the windows were open, we could hear the thing all the way down the street while we were playing.

My token response is always:

"Sorry, but I don't conduct business over the phone. Have a nice day."

I say "Can you wait just a minute please" and put the phone down in front of the TV or radio and leave it untill they decide to hang up.

Hah. You guys are going to get a psycho on the other end someday. Think about it, these poor sods are getting verbally abused all day long just to make ends meet.

I once had a friend who was a pizza delivery man. He'd write down the name and address of every single person who was rude to him, with the intent to go back and punish them long after they'd forgotten it.

On that note, go see the Korean film Oldboy.

What the hell is this with Oldboy? It was being talked up on another forum that I frequent just yesterday?

Go see it.

Best one I ever saw

Friend gets a telemarketer on the phone, rabs his rifle, walks outside, shots the gun while still on the phone.
"Dam door to door salesmen almost as bad as telemarketers...now what were you saying?"

Hello Sir, I'm calling to talk to you about...

--> Yeah, uh, hi. I want... a number 43, a 27, two 32s, NOT spicy like last time, a coke, and... a 25. When will that be ready?

Uh...... I think maybe you have the wrong person?

--> Oh. My bad. Goodbye. {click}

I love it when my university calls asking for money from alumni. Every time they call, all I can do is look around my shitty apartment (with the security door I had to pay for and the repairs that my girlfriend and I have had to do ourselves because the managment is negligent and the last person who lived in my place literally moved out because of a bee infestation they refused to take care of) in my shitty neighborhood that I walk through because I can't afford a car and laugh maniacally at them. I think think they're the only telemarketers I'm genuinely rude towards.

My personal favorite way to deal with telemarketers:

Me: "I'm not really interested in your product/service, but while I have you on the phone, can I tell you about my personal savior...."
TM: <click>

Works every time!

I always answer my phone....'rl name"'s morgue.....you stab'em I slab'em!

I crack myself up

I used to have a telemarketing script that I got from a friend who was working as one. When I'd get a telemarketer on the other end I'd just start reading them the sales pitch.

Another favorite... repeat everything they say in a mocking baby voice.

"Good evening. I'd like to speak to Mr/Mrs. X."

"I'm sorry, but Mr. X is deceased"

(long pause)...

Few of the ones I do personally
I usually pretend to masturbate or the like when I get telemarkers. (Or am I)
I used to live in the state (Delaware) where MBNA (Credit cards) are done. I lived up the street from thier call center...I'd tell the telemarketer I'd be over in a minute.
Suddenly seram at the top of my lungs and hang up.
Pretend I was making adult films.
Hump the phone. (makes interesting noises)
Hand the phone to the dog.
Hand the phone to a minor and tell them to take the call. (Can't sell products to a minor)

Hhahah back when I was a merry batchelor I'd answer mine:

Acme abortions... no fetus can beat us!

Or just leave my answering machine on:

*Indiana Jones theme music playing*
Siggy can't reach the phone right now, he's off....... cleaning his fridge!
Leave a message after the tone...

>>BEEEP<<

I liked that one - my first was a little too obtuse:

"The number you have reached is an imaginary number, please turn your phone 90 degrees and dial again"

>> BEEP <<

Siggy.

My answering machine message stopped alot of telemarketers...and work from calling.

Generic female voice: "The number you have reach 9-1-1 has been changed to an unpublished number."

Most would hang up when they hear the 911

My friends got me in trouble (was found innocent before trial) via "Guilt by association" when they got busted for CC fraud when I was younger. I tried to tell MBNA that many times....still kept calling but the calls were dam short.

I also told them I knew of 50 ways to fake CC numbers why would I need a real one.