Wrong Punchlines

So a man walks into the doctor's office and says, "Doctor, I have this problem where I'm a teepee, i'm a wigwam, I'm a teepee, I'm a wigwam"...

... and the doctor said, "Rectum? Damn near killed'em!"

I <3 this thread already. Thank you, Logan.

A man and a young girl were walking into the forest.

"I'm scared!", the little girl said.

"You're scared?" the man replied, "that's my melon collie, baby!"

A guy is browsing in a pet shop and sees a parrot sitting on a little perch. It doesn't have any feet or legs.

The guy says aloud, "Jeesh, I wonder what happened to this Parrot?"

The parrot says, "I was born this way. I'm a defective parrot."

"Holy crap," the guy replies. "You actually understood and answered me!"

"I got every word," says the parrot. "I happen to be a highly intelligent, thoroughly educated bird."

"Oh yeah?" the guy asks, "Then answer this -- how do you hang onto your perch without any feet?"

"Well," the parrot says, "this is very embarrassing but since you asked, I wrap my weenie around this wooden bar like a little hook. You can't see it because of my feathers."

"Wow," says the guy. "You really can understand and speak English can't you?"

"Actually, I speak both Spanish and English, and I can converse with reasonable competence on almost any topic: politics, religion, sports, physics, philosophy. I'm especially good at ornithology. You really ought to buy me. I'd be a great companion."

The guy looks at the $200 price tag. "Sorry, but I just can't afford that."

"Pssssssst," says the parrot, "I'm defective, so the truth is, nobody wants me cause I don't have any feet. You can probably get me for $20, just make the guy an offer!"

The guy offers $20 and walks out with the parrot. Weeks go by. The parrot is sensational. He has a great sense of humor, he's interesting, he's a great pal, he understands everything, he sympathizes, and he's insightful. The guy is delighted. One day the guy comes home from work and the parrot goes, "psssssssssssst," and motions him over with one wing.

"I don't know if I should tell you this or not, but it's about your wife and the postman."

"What are you talking about?" asks the guy. "When the postman delivered the mail today, your wife greeted him at the door in a sexy mini-skirt with a black bra and kissed him passionately."

"WHAT???" the guy asks incredulously. "THEN what happened?" "Well, then the postman came into the house and your wife pushed him on the bed, sat on his thighs and pinned his wrists down," reported the parrot.

"Oh No!," he exclaims. "Then what?"

"Then she ripped off his shirt and pressed her bra against his bare stomach firmly, and then she started licking his neck, then his chest, slowly going down...."

"WELL," demands the frantic guy, "THEN WHAT HAPPENED?" "Damned if I know. Orange you glad I didn't say banana?"

Two men are out fishing and they are having great luck. They are catching so fast, they have to go back early.

"This is so great," says the first guy. "We should mark the spot so we can come here again."

"You're right," says the other guy who then dives over the side and paints a big X on the bottom of the boat.

They head back to shore and just as they're about to dock, the first guy looks at the second guy and says...



... "Let me see this Kentucky Jelly you're talking about" and then the woman handed him a foil packet labeled "KY Jelly."

An 80 year old couple were having problems remembering things, so they decided to go to their doctor to get checked out to make sure nothing was wrong with them.

When they arrived at the doctors, they explained to the doctor about the problems they were having with their memory. After checking the couple out, the doctor told them that they were physically okay but might want to start writing things down and make notes to help them remember things.

The couple thanked the doctor and left. Later that night while watching TV, the man got up from his chair and his wife asked, "Where are you going?" He replied, "To the kitchen." She asked, "Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?" He replied, "Sure." She then asked him, "Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?" He said, "No, I can remember that."

She then said, "Well I would also like some strawberries on top. You had better write that down because I know you'll forget that." He said, "I can remember that, you want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries." She replied, "Well I also would like whipped cream on top. I know you will forget that so you better write it down."

With irritation in his voice, he said, "I don't need to write that down! I can remember that." He then fumes into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes he returned from the kitchen and handed her a plate of bacon and eggs. She stared at the plate for a moment and said angrily:

"You think that's disgusting you should see him make donuts."

A blind man walks into a store with his seeing eye dog. All of a sudden, he picks up the leash and begins swinging the dog over his head.

The manager runs up to the man and asks, "What are you doing?!!"...


... and the man replies, "No, no, I told you to give each Elmo-doll two test-tickles!"

"Knock knock"

































"Don't have sex with your wife then"

A man lay sprawled across three entire seats in the posh theatre. When the usher came by and noticed this, he whispered to the man, "Sorry, sir, but you're only allowed one seat." The man groaned but didn't budge. The usher became impatient. "Sir, if you don't get up from there I'm going to have to call the manager." Again, the man just groaned, which infuriated the usher who turned and marched briskly back up the aisle in search of his manager.

In a few moments, both the usher and the manager returned and stood over the man. Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move him, but with no success. Finally, they summoned the police. The cop surveyed the situation briefly then asked, "All right buddy, what's your name?" "Sam," the man moaned. "Where ya from, Sam?" With pain in his voice Sam replied

"Thanks, but where do the copies come out?"

When Vin Diesel does a push up, he isn’t lifting himself up...

...Instead, Chuck Norris roundhouse-kicks himself in the face!

A doctor has come to see one of his patients in a hospital. The patient has had major surgery to both of his hands.

"Doctor," says the man excitedly and dramatically holds up his heavily bandaged hands. "Will I be able to play the piano when these bandages come off?"

"I don't see why not," replies the doctor.

The Aussie asks with an incredulous look, "Don't you have any grasshoppers in Texas"?

(I don't know whether this one --truly-- qualifies, since it's the way the joke actually goes)

A kid is playing baseball in P.E. class. He gets 3 strikes and is out. Instead of saying sh!t or something like that he says, "Tulip!"

The coach storms over to him and says, "What did you just say?!!!"

"I said tulip."

"Go to the principal's office! Now!"

So the kid goes to the principals office. The principal asks him why he's there, so the kid explains what happened....

"So what did you say" asks the principal.

"I said tulip." and he was kicked out of the school.

So the kid gets home and his mom is there, wondering why he's home from school early. She frantically asks him what happened, so he reluctantly explains the story.

"Well what did you say?!"

"I don't want to say, because every time I do, something bad happens."

She shakes him, "WHAT DID YOU SAY?!"

"I said tulip." and he was kicked out the house.

So, the kid is walking along, carrying just a few pieces of clothing and a couple candy bars, and he runs across a homeless person who looks at him funny and says, "Geez, what happened to you?"

The kid thinks to himself, what's it gonna hurt--it can't get any worse, so he explains the story.

"Well what did you say?" said the drunk homeless guy in a slurred-sounding speech

The kid hesitates again for a moment, but then thinks again, what's the worst that can happen--"I said tulip."

"You said TULIP?!"

"Yes, what does that mean?"

"Come back here at midnight, and I'll tell you all about it."

So the kid walks around the rest of the day, confused, thirsty, and when midnight arrives, he walks over to where the homeless guy was, but when he crosses the street, he gets hit by a car and is killed.

Want to know what the moral of the story is? Look both ways before you cross the street.

A Texan farmer goes to Australia for a vacation. There he meets an Aussie farmer and gets talking. The Aussie shows off his big wheat field and the Texan says, "Oh! We have wheat fields that are at least twice as large".

Then they walk around the ranch a little and the Aussie shows off his herd of cattle. The Texan immediately says, " We have longhorns that are at least twice as large as your cows".

The conversation has, meanwhile, almost died when the Texan sees a herd of kangaroos hopping through the field. He asks, "And what are those"?

And so God created lawyers.

Two men are being chased by an angry bear. Now, as it happens, bears can outrun human beings, so this isn't going well for them.

"I don't *pant* think we're gonna *pant* outrun this bear!" gasps the first man.

The second man looks at his companion as though he just grew a second head. "What, are you *pant* crazy?" he demands. "You can't outrun a bear! It's a nick-nack, Patty Black -- give the frog a loan!"

A dog walks into a bar. The bartender takes one look at him, says "We don't serve dogs here, get out." The dog leaves.

Five minutes later, the dog comes back. Bartender says, "What's wrong with you, dog? I said we don't serve your kind here." He comes from behind the bar and gives the dog a swift kick out the door.

Dog comes back again. This time, the bartender says nothing but reaches for his rifle. He shoots the dog in the paw, and the dog goes limping away.

A few minutes later, the dog comes back, carried in by the sheriff. The lawman looks around the bar, clears his throat and says...







"The Aristocrats!"