Why Rhinos, Eminem, and allergies don't belong in the cyber-bedroom

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Cyber Sex Gone Wrong


bloodninja: Baby, I been havin a tough night so treat me
nice aight?
BritneySpears14: Aight.
bloodninja: Slip out of those pants baby, yeah.
BritneySpears14: I slip out of my pants, just for you,
bloodninja.
bloodninja: Oh yeah, aight. Aight, I put on my robe and
wizard hat.
BritneySpears14: Oh, I like to play dress up.
bloodninja: Me too baby.
BritneySpears14: I kiss you softly on your chest.
bloodninja: I cast Lvl. 3 Eroticism. You turn into a real
beautiful woman.
BritneySpears14: Hey...
bloodninja: I meditate to regain my mana, before casting
Lvl. 8 Cock of the Infinite.
BritneySpears14: Funny I still don't see it.
bloodninja: I spend my mana reserves to cast Mighty F*ck of
the Beyondness.
BritneySpears14: You are the worst cyber partner ever. This
is ridiculous.
bloodninja: Don't f*ck with me bitch, I'm the mightiest
sorcerer of the lands.
bloodninja: I steal yo soul and cast Lightning Lvl.
1,000,000 Your body explodes into a fine bloody mist,
because you are only a Lvl. 2 Druid.
BritneySpears14: Don't ever message me again you piece of
shit.
bloodninja: Robots are trying to drill my brain but my
lightning shield inflicts DOA attack, leaving the robots as
flaming piles of metal.
bloodninja: King Arthur congratulates me for destroying Dr.
Robotnik's evil army of Robot Socialist Republics. The cold
war ends. Reagan steals my accomplishments and makes like
it was cause of him.
bloodninja: You still there baby? I think it's getting hard
now.
bloodninja: Baby?
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Return of the King


BritneySpears14: Ok, are you ready?
eminemBNJA: Aight, yeah I'm ready.
BritneySpears14: I like your music Em... Tee hee.
eminemBNJA: huh huh, yeah, I make it for the ladies.
BritneySpears14: Mmm, we like it a lot. Let me show you.
BritneySpears14: I take off your pants, slowly, and massage
your muscular physique.
eminemBNJA: Oh I like that Baby. I put on my robe and
wizard hat.
BritneySpears14: What the f*ck, I told you not to message
me again.
eminemBNJA: Oh shit
BritneySpears14: I swear if you do it one more time I'm
gonna report your ISP and say you were sending me kiddie
porn you f*ck up.
eminemBNJA: Oh shit
eminemBNJA: damn I gotta write down your names or something

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Animal Sex

bloodninja: Ok baby, we got to hurry, I don't know how long
I can keep it ready for you.
j_gurli3: thats ok. ok i'm a japanese schoolgirl, what r u.

bloodninja: A Rhinocerus. Well, hung like one, thats for
sure.
j_gurli3: haha, ok lets go.
j_gurli3: i put my hand through ur hair, and kiss u on the
neck.
bloodninja: I stomp the ground, and snort, to alert you
that you are in my breeding territory.
j_gurli3: haha, ok, u know that turns me on.
j_gurli3: i start unbuttoning ur shirt.
bloodninja: Rhinoceruses don't wear shirts.
j_gurli3: No, ur not really a Rhinocerus silly, it's just
part of the game.
bloodninja: Rhinoceruses don't play games. They f*cking
charge your ass.
j_gurli3: stop, cmon be serious.
bloodninja: It doesn't get any more serious than a
Rhinocerus about to charge your ass.
bloodninja: I stomp my feet, the dust stirs around my tough
skinned feet.
j_gurli3: thats it.
bloodninja: Nostrils flaring, I lower my head. My horn,
like some phallic symbol of my potent virility, is the last
thing you see as skulls collide and mine remains the
victor. You are now a bloody red ragdoll suspended in the
air on my mighty horn.
bloodninja: Goddam am I hard now.
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Metaphoria

bloodninja: Wanna cyber?
Katie_007: Sure, you into vegetables?
bloodninja: What like gardening an shit?
Katie_007: Yeah, something like that.
bloodninja: Nothing turns me on more, check this out:
bloodninja: You bend over to harvest your radishes.
(pause)
Katie_007: is that it?
bloodninja: You water your tomato patch.
bloodninja: Are you ready for my fresh produce?
Katie_007: I was thinking of like, sexual acts INVOLVING
vegetables... Can you make it a little more sexy for me?
(pause)
bloodninja: I touch you on your lettuce, you massage my
spinach... sexily.
bloodninja: I ride your buttocks like they were amber waves
of grains.
Katie_007: Grain doesn't really turn me on... I was
thinking more along the lines of carrots and zucchinis.
bloodninja: my zucchinis carresses your carrots.
bloodninja: Damn baby you're right, this shit is HOTT.
Katie_007: ...
bloodninja: My turnips listen for the soft cry of your
love. My insides turn to celery as I unleash my warm and
sticky cauliflower of love.
Katie_007: What the f*ck is this madlibs? I'm outta here.
bloodninja: Yeah, well I already unleashed my cauliflower,
all over your olives, and up in your eyes. Now you can't
see. Bitch.
Katie_007: whatever.
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Try, Try Again

Wellhung: Hello, Sweetheart. What do you look like?
Sweetheart: I am wearing a red silk blouse, a miniskirt and
high heels. I work out every day, I'm toned and perfect. My
measurements are 36-24-36. What do you look like?
Wellhung: I'm 6'3" and about 250 pounds.I wear glasses and
I have on a pair of blue sweat pants I just bought from
Walmart.I'm also wearing a T-shirt with a few spots of
barbecue sauce on it from dinner...it smells funny.
Sweetheart: I want you.Would you like to screw me?
Wellhung: OK
Sweetheart: We're in my bedroom.There's soft music playing
on the stereo and candles on my dresser and night table.I'm
looking up into your eyes, smiling. My hand works its way
down to your crotch and begins to fondle your huge,
swelling bulge.
Wellhung: I'm gulping, I'm beginning to sweat.
Sweetheart: I'm pulling up your shirt and kissing your
chest.
Wellhung: Now I'm unbuttoning your blouse.My hands are
trembling.
Sweetheart: I'm moaning softly.
Wellhung: I'm taking hold of your blouse and sliding it off
slowly.
Sweetheart: I'm throwing my head back in pleasure.The cool
silk slides off my warm skin.I'm rubbing your bulge faster,
pulling and rubbing.
Wellhung: My hand suddenly jerks spastically and
accidentally rips a hole in your blouse.I'm sorry.
Sweetheart: That's OK, it wasn't really too expensive.
Wellhung: I'll pay for it.
Sweetheart: Don't worry about it.I'm wearing a lacy black
bra.My soft breasts are rising and falling, as I breath
harder and harder.
Wellhung: I'm fumbling with the clasp on your bra.I think
it's stuck. Do you have any scissors?
Sweetheart: I take your hand and kiss it softly.I'm
reaching back undoing the clasp. The bra slides off my
body. The air caresses my breasts. My nipples are erect for
you.
Wellhung: How did you do that? I'm picking up the bra and
inspecting the clasp.
Sweetheart: I'm arching my back. Oh baby. I just want to
feel your tongue all over me.
Wellhung: I'm dropping the bra. Now I'm licking your, you
know, breasts. They're neat!
Sweetheart: I'm running my fingers through your hair. Now
I'm nibbling your ear.
Wellhung: I suddenly sneeze. Your breasts are covered with
spit and phlegm.
Sweetheart: What?
Wellhung: I'm so sorry. Really.
Sweetheart: I'm wiping your phlegm off my breasts with the
remains of my blouse.
Wellhung: I'm taking the sopping wet blouse from you. I
drop it with a plop.
Sweetheart: OK. I'm pulling your sweat pants down and
rubbing your hard tool.
Wellhung: I'm screaming like a woman. Your hands are cold!
Yeeee!
Sweetheart: I'm pulling up my miniskirt. Take off my
panties.
Wellhung: I'm pulling off your panties. My tongue is going
all over, in and out nibbling on you...umm... wait a
minute.
Sweetheart: What's the matter?
Wellhung: I've got a pubic hair caught in my throat. I'm
choking.
Sweetheart: Are you OK?
Wellhung: I'm having a coughing fit. I'm turning all red.
Sweetheart: Can I help?
Wellhung: I'm running to the kitchen, choking wildly. I'm
fumbling through the cabinets, looking for a cup. Where do
you keep your cups?
Sweetheart: In the cabinet to the right of the sink.
Wellhung: I'm drinking a cup of water. There, that's
better.
Sweetheart: Come back to me, lover.
Wellhung: I'm washing the cup now.
Sweetheart: I'm on the bed arching for you.
Wellhung: I'm drying the cup. Now I'm putting it back in
the cabinet. And now I'm walking back to the bedroom. Wait,
it's dark, I'm lost. Where's the bedroom?
Sweetheart: Last door on the left at the end of the hall.
Wellhung: I found it.
Sweetheart: I'm tuggin' off your pants. I'm moaning. I want
you so badly.
Wellhung: Me too.
Sweetheart: Your pants are off. I kiss you passionately-our
naked bodies pressing each other.
Wellhung: Your face is pushing my glasses into my face. It
hurts.
Sweetheart Why don't you take off your glasses?
Wellhung: OK, but I can't see very well without them. I
place the glasses on the night table.
Sweetheart: I'm bending over the bed. Give it to me, baby!
Wellhung: I have to pee. I'm fumbling my way blindly across
the room and toward the bathroom.
Sweetheart: Hurry back, lover.
Wellhung: I find the bathroom and it's dark. I'm feeling
around for the toilet. I lift the lid.
Sweetheart: I'm waiting eagerly for your return.
Wellhung: I'm done going. I'm feeling around for the flush
handle, but I can't find it. Uh-oh!
Sweetheart: What's the matter now?
Wellhung: I've realized that I've peed into your laundry
hamper. Sorry again. I'm walking back to the bedroom now,
blindly feeling my
way.
Sweetheart: Mmm, yes. Come on.
Wellhung: OK, now I'm going to put my...you know
...thing...in your...you know...woman's thing.
Sweetheart: Yes! Do it, baby! Do it!
Wellhung: I'm touching your smooth butt. It feels so nice.
I kiss your neck. Umm, I'm having a little trouble here.
Sweetheart: I'm moving my ass back and forth, moaning. I
can't stand it another second! Slide in! Screw me now!
Wellhung: I'm flaccid.
Sweetheart: What?
Wellhung: I'm limp. I can't sustain an erection.
Sweetheart: I'm standing up and turning around; an
incredulous look on my face.
Wellhung: I'm shrugging with a sad look on my face, my
weiner all floppy. I'm going to get my glasses and see
what's wrong.
Sweetheart: No, never mind. I'm getting dressed. I'm
putting on my underwear. Now I'm putting on my wet nasty
blouse.
Wellhung: No wait! Now I'm squinting, trying to find the
night table. I'm feeling along the dresser, knocking over
cans of hair spray,
picture frames and your candles.
Sweetheart: I'm buttoning my blouse. Now I'm putting on my
shoes.
Wellhung: I've found my glasses. I'm putting them on. My
God! One of our candles fell on the curtain. The curtain is
on fire! I'm pointing at it, a shocked look on my face.
Sweetheart: Go to hell. I'm logging off, you loser!
Wellhung: Now the carpet is on fire! Oh noooo!
Sweetheart: <logged off>
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The last one is the best ever.

That is the funniest shit I have read lately!!!

Seriously. I was laughing so hard someone just walked into my office and wanted to know if I was alright.

"Funny" just doesn't do that justice.

My favorite part was this exchange.

Oh man, this thread made my day.

Check out Bash.org for more

/cleans PEPSI off keyboard/

oh, joo sick b4st4rd!