Dear Husband:
I'm writing you this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you for
good. I've been a good woman to you for seven years and I have nothing
to show for it.
These last two weeks have been hell. Your boss called to tell me
that you had quit your job today and that was the last straw.
Last week, you came home and didn't notice that I had gotten my hair and
nails done, cooked your favorite meal and even wore a brand new
negligee. You came home and ate in two minutes, and went straight to
sleep after watching the game.
You don't tell me you love me anymore, you don't touch me or
anything. Either you're cheating or you don't love me anymore, what ever
the case is, I'm gone.
Your EX-Wife
P.S. If you're trying to find me, don't. Your BROTHER and I are
moving away to West Virginia together! Have a great life!
Dear Ex-Wife,
Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter. It's true
that you and I have been married for seven years, although a good woman
is a far cry from what you've been. I watch sports so much to try to
drown out your constant nagging. Too bad that doesn't work.
I did notice when you cut off all of your hair last week, the first
thing that came to mind was "You look just like a man!" My mother raised
me to not say anything if you can't say anything nice.
When you cooked my favorite meal, you must have gotten me confused
with MY BROTHER, because I stopped eating pork seven years ago. I went
to sleep on you when you had on that new negligee because the price tag
was still on it. I prayed that it was a coincidence that my brother had
just borrowed fifty dollars from me that morning and your negligee was
$49.99.
After all of this, I still loved you and felt that we could work it out.
So when I discovered that I had hit the lotto for ten million
dollars, I quit my job and bought us two tickets to Jamaica. But when I
got home you were gone. Everything happens for a reason I guess. I hope
you have the filling life you always wanted.
My lawyer said with your letter that you wrote, you won't get a dime
from me. So take care.
Signed,
Rich as Hell and FREE!
P.S. I don't know if I ever told you this but Carl, my brother was
born Carla. I hope that's not a problem.