RL Information - Be Careful

I've just lost someone I really cared about because other people were insisting on RL contact (phone). I don't mix RL and SL, so that's no web-cams, skype, phone etc. It's one of the few things I feel I had to stand firm on, so I paid the price. Don't let anytime try to force you to go past what you feel comfortable with. Just wanted to get this off my chest. Good luck to all - Kristy

I'm sorry that happened Kristy

I use skype and I give out my email address. But I agree you're absolutely right that no one should pressure you into it.

Sounds like the web stalkers have found SL.

Its not always web stalkers though. Remeber that not everyone enters into a relationship in SL "clean" of emotional attachment. Sometimes a wonderful trust is built up between tow people on the opposite end of a computer screen, and after hours and hours of pouring your heart out to someone, you want to go to the next level, to have human contact..to know them as a person. Its only natural to want to hear a voice for the person you are close to, that does not make you a stalker.

All you can do to protect yourself on either end is to be absolutely clear about your expectations, and your intentions and desires. If its an SL thing, then its an SL thing, but only if both people think so. If you want more in a relationship, and the person does not want to go past SL, and they have said so..then you must accept it. But if the person want more than SL and you don't want to go past SL, then you must accept you will lose them, and that the hurt you feel is partly of your own creation.

relationships are hard work under the best of conditions, but to keep a part of you closed off is going to be painful for everyone involved. How painful and how you deal with it is up to the people in the relationship.

You make good points, Jake.



I thought this thread was going to be about giving out your RL info and getting stalked, myself. Nice to see its less "scary" than that.




Personally ... SL is SL and RL is RL to me. I discuss my RL with my SL friends to a degree ... offer some info ... they can have the State I live in ... generally what I do for a living ... I'll chat some about RL friends & family or coworkers that bug me ... and tell stories about growing up ... but no names of anything/anyone ... because, quite frankly, you never know how that can be used or what could happen to that information. BUT ... I care about my SL friends .. some just as much as I care about my RL friends.

Even if I trust my SL friends (I'm not the type of person that completely trusts ANYONE, including myself) ... who knows if someone could overhear something I don't want public? .. or .. if my SL friend I trust so much accidentally lets it slip to someone else the name of the place I work because something came up in conversation? Thats more on the "stalker" issue though ... sorry to get off track.



Anywho ...

Problems often arrise though when people "forget" that you're bonding with others while at your computer. "Its just text, whats the big whoop" attitudes ... can lead to, like Jake said, people feeling one way while you're feeling another. As long as everyone is on the same page there is less possible conflict, but people are people ... flaws and all .. RL or SL.


I've had a few friends I gave my phonenumber to years ago ... friends I met online ... and they were nice and fun and stuff ... but suddenly I started getting phonecalls at 3am ... my online-friends waking me up to come chat/play with them online ... or because they were "fighting with their spouses" and needed someone to talk to. I felt strange .. because I never personally "signed on" for duties like that ... I never signed up to be someone's "RL best friend" ... to me ... I saw a difference between RL and Online ... to them, I guess they didn't. We've since stopped talking because, basically, when I stopped showing up to play the MMOs we played together they downgraded me from 'friend' to 'oh yeah, I knew her' it seems.

Not to say that when *I* shut my computer off you're suddenly & magically NOT my friend anymore ... not at all ... its just I don't expect the same level of intimacy (dictionary definition of the word, not the "intimacy = sexxxy akshun" definition) with Online friends as I do with RL friends.

Some people are online looking to "reach out" and find RL things through their computers ... others of us are logging on to "get away" from RL for a while and meet/find new people to talk to and nothing more.

I have to agree. It's best to be extremely clear what your expectations are before getting into a 'relationship' between your on-line avatar and someone else's.

I never, EVER, date people in RL that I may have some sort of relationship with on-line. I make it very clear, when anyone starts to treat Ceera like a lover or a special friend, that anything that may happen is ENTIRELY between the characters. To the Player on the other side of the keyboard, I offer only friendship, and nothing more. If they can't accept that from the beginning, I won't even start.

Ceera is a roleplaying character. She is NOT me.

This represents an interesting fork in the possible approaches to SL.

My avatar isn't me but my avatar isn't a character I play either. My avatar is a vehicle, or a submarine, or something, I pilot remotely from my desktop, and is the only way into the virtual world of SL I have.

Now, I've tried to make my avatar look presentable in the same way that I clean my car out twice a year: so as to keep it looking like total shite. But it's not part of a role playing game via my appearance.


How many people view their avs as characters? How many view them as vehicles? And is their another way of seeing them (accessories?)

This is a wise bit of philosophy, if you ask me.

This thread - and the business about the new members not having to divulge any real info now - apparently made me dream something last night, that the Lindens all had access to all our private info - address, name, etc. all that.

I'm thinking I should put a query to Linden Answers about that. After all, a lot of Lindens are actually just old residents who have been promoted.

Maybe this question has been asked before, and I just missed it?

coco

P.S. Luc - very intriguing questions you pose there. I treat my avatar more like a vehicle, too, and consequently try to make its looks somewhat resemble my own.

However! I do wear things in SL I would never dream of wearing in real life! And some outfits I know send out a message that isn't really quite me, because some of them cause more interest from male AV's I don't know, and irl life I have a husband. That poses no problem, though, partly because the way I present myself just somehow says that I'm not up for a relationship other than friendship, and partly because if they look at my profile, it says "married irl."

So I guess it's okay to sometimes dress my AV a tad hotter than I normally would irl.

I remember reading before the only ones have access to our RL info are the ones that work in billing, and if anyone else tries to get RL info on a player they are fired on the spot. My av is me, no role play about it, I don't have a line drawn in the sand with "Stay over here" written on it, the people I really care about in SL know my real name, and in some cases my address.

What's the big difference between meeting people online and meeting people where you work or whatever?

Hey, I met my gf on IRC... 7 years later, we're still together and planning on marrying

Your spouse might get suspicious if you spent as much time away from home with a RL buddy as you do with your online mate.

All Lindens are required to sign a confidentially agreement regardless if they were a resident before or not.
they under no circumstances are allowed to divulge any information abut any resident.

The difference is weather you are representing yourself as a roleplaying character or as a representation of the real person sitting at the keyboard.

If you make no distinction between yourself and your Avatar, and represent yourself in that way to the people you meet on-line, then there is no difference.

In my case, I make a very clear distinction between my Avatar and the real person. They are NOT the same. So for me, the difference is night and day.

Ceera is a fictional character. Her friendships and romances are merely creative fiction. Ceera will date other fictional characters. That's just roleplaying.

My Player is a real person, who is happily married and quite monogamous. My Player won't date other Players. That would be adultery.

Good advice in any life.

Communicating your position as well as knowing and accepting where the other person is coming from is important, as others have indicated. Beyond that, as hard as it is to accept, one can't always predetermine or control their own much less anyone else's feelings in the lifespan of a relationship. In spite of good intentions and firm resolutions, many people have found themselves in a place where they vowed they would never be whether online or irl.

Thanks, Maeve. I won't worry about it then.

Crucial, besides worrying about them divulging information about you to another resident, there's what they would choose to do with that info themselves.

I'm glad to know only the billing people can see it.

coco

Communication is the most important part of any relationship, and it's literally everything to an online relationship.

Communicating your position is essential, as has been said, but I'd also add it ought to be done up front. Thankfully, I'm involved in the kind of relationship where it's expected to discuss "limits" right off the bat, before really getting involved at all, so I made my own "absolutely no RL contact" rule clear within the first hour. That's something everyone ought to do, regardless of the kind of relationship. The longer you wait, the harder it is to bring up, and the more likely you'll be to bend your own rules to maintain what is now an established relationship.

Clear rules, up front, communicated and respected. After that, have fun...

Glad to see you have it all under control.

In my case, my character is a fictional side of me that I do not, and probably will not, express in RL. So it's correct to say that the SL character is not the RL person at the keyboard, but it's also correct to say that both of them are "me".

If my avatar had a relationship, would that then count as adultery were I also married in RL?

Now don't rush into anything, Eggy!

I hope the people who get involved with you realise that.

The way i do things, whats from SL stays in SL. If you wish to know me IRL you probably never will...

Well I put alot of RL info about myself in my profile when I joined, so any stalker(ette) that came across me then would prolly have me on their file by now. I'm a musician in RL and one of the reasons I joined SL was to 'network' and also to see if it was a suitable medium for live performance. Since then I've rediscovered the joys of lego as a builder in SL. I have met people from SL in RL (at the SL UK meet) and had a great time. We all got along like a house on fire including A Certain player with whom I'm at 'daggers drawn' in SL. Aside from my appearance in SL (always anthropomorphic and usually a dragon), I have no dividing line. I'm still working on my dragon outfit.... it's bound to turn heads if I wear it when I go to the supermarket to do my shopping.